Believe it or not, for 23 years I have had a lot of thoughts. It's about time I put these in a space to be extracted from, a space of sharing. I am a voice no longer snuffed out by my lack of "courage to be vulnerable" (the genius of Brene Brown).
These past few weeks have been excruciatingly full of stretching, changes that I am not even sure I am ready for, but they're happening. "This is real life!"as my dear friend and spiritual guru April Sanchez says. And building upon this new found reality, is the Anasazi phrase I've been hearing and repeating for a year now, "we're doin' it!" We, my friends, are doin' real life. So let us begin.
My target audience: those who need love, are seeking love, and potentially feeling lonely. I'd like to begin with a thought that came to me in the wilderness: "When I am lonely, is it due to blame?" I will keep it simple. Every one of us has a beautiful gift: the gift of choice. If you or I ever find ourselves saying things like "I did it because this is just who I am," or "I have always been this way--I was born and destined to be this way," this just may be a great source of our loneliness. Think about it--if my circumstances are just a product of who I "inherently am" then this can mean only one thing: everything in my life is out of my control, because according to my narrative, I never had control in the first place. I was "born this way." And this, is a deeply scary thought. For if I was born to be alone, destructive, self defeating, a "failure," bossy, controlling, etc., not only have I given up any say in what my life looks like, but I have also taken on a blanket of "no accountability" and a lot of "other-attributing" aka--blaming anything around me.
But hold on--accountability for all that I do and how my heart walks is a terrifying notion. Yes, this is scary. But the only thing that is even more scary than being fully accountable for our own hearts is to live in a reality that has been deemed helpless--a reality we create that lies to us, that tells us we are stuck forever, we were "born this way" "destined to stay the same." These are the terrifying lies that do not allow change, growth, failure, vulnerability, and courage.
So for my future self: if I ever start feeling lonely, will I please ask myself, "When I am lonely, is it due to blame?" Because blame is the poison that strips me of everything worth living for: choice, mistakes, and love. For you cannot connect with someone if they are the source of all your pain.
